What if each of the main characters in Fargo’s epic season 5 were college basketball personalities? You’d want to read a column comparing those characters to current players so you could take that knowledge and use it to wager on college basketball. Of course you would. Because lord knows betting on individual college games is a fool’s errand. Not with Purdue, Houston and Kansas all losing on the road this week. Unless you just bet on underdogs every week, which may not be a bad idea except that Uconn and Duke killed it in tough road matchups at Pitt and Xavier. It’s tough to bet on UCF unless you’d made it a point to follow Jonny Dawkins’ career because you feel bad that despite Dawkins being credited for getting the whole Duke thing rolling back in the 80’s he’s still, for some reason, toiling away at UCF instead of at being handed the reigns at Duke when coach K retired.
Anyway, life is too short not to compare the characters in the latest season of Fargo to current larger-than-life college personalities. making both of these things an absolute pleasure to spend time o a couch with.
Roy Tillman (Jon Hamm) = Houston Coach Kelvin Sampson:
To the greatest character currently on TV we compare ye to the greatest coaching expressions in the game… Kelvin Sampson’s face! Nothing is better than the death stares Sampson gives his players when they make an unnecessary turnover or miss a simple defensive assignment. A fun game to play is to infuse Sampson’s timeout speeches with Tillman’s dialogue. You can imagine Sampson turning to LJ Cryer and saying, “If you’re so smart, then why are you so dead?”
Dorothy ‘Dot’ Lyon (Juno Temple) = K.D. Johnson and The Entire Auburn Roster:
There’s no way Dorothy Lyon should be alive and yet here she is jumping into an oil well/gravesite to hide from all the right wing militia Jesus freaks. Note: The only thing I didn’t like about the show, my only criticism really, is that she somehow forgot her shotgun outside the pit. Really? She’s managed to avoid her husband all these years, escaped the hired assassin from the Middle Ages yet somehow she forgot her shotgun before jumping in the oil pit? Seemed oddly nonsensical and downright unbelievable. Anyway, Auburn’s K.D. Johnson reminds me of Dorothy because he too seems a little batshit crazy. Like he can have 4 pts. in a game and if he makes a shot he’ll flex like he’s MJ pulling up on Byron Russell for the game winner of his 6th title. You see him on the floor, you have no idea how or why he’s still playing college basketball and you somehow can’t turn away.
Lorraine Lyon (Jennifer Jason Leigh) = Tennessee Coach Rick Barnes:
I dunno. They’re both from the south. They both have accents. They both feel kinda evil on the outside, ya know because she’s collecting debt from all the people who can least afford to pay it and he’s making us watch some of the worst offense in college basketball history year after year after year. How many years can Tennessee be really bad on offense before they recruit someone who can score on a semi-consistent basis? I guess Dalton Knecht is that guy but he’s also vanished in more than a few games. The guy that intrigues me is Josiah James. Wasn’t he an NBA prospect two years ago? And now he’d be lucky to play in the Kazakhstan C League. What happened? Anyway, Lorraine does have a heart deep down in there somewhere and I’m guessing Rick Barnes does too if you look hard enough.
Wayne Lyon = Ethan Morton (Purdue guard)
Wayne is the nicest dumb guy on TV. Feels like Morton is the same. I know he’s not. But he went from being a part-time starter on Purdue’s teams the past two seasons to not really playing at all. Why is he still there? Why not transfer to a D III school and play your last year of college ball. Jack up a bunch of 3’s. Get a tip dunk. Do anything exciting to make the journey worth it. Sitting on the Purdue bench for an entire season and shooting maybe once per game doesn’t seem worth it at all. Kinda like being married to Dorothy.
Gator Tillman = Caleb Love:
Gator Tillman is an asshole. He consistently does the wrong thing in life because he has daddy issues and wants to impress his evil father. Caleb Love is pretty much the same way. He wasn’t good enough to go to the league so he went to Arizona to try and make everything right. And to be fair, he has had a pretty good year so far and been on his best behavior. but just like you knew Gator would try to retrieve that bag of money, you know Caleb will be selfish and play hero ball down the stretch of an NCAA tourney game, take a bunch of ill advised, off-balance 3’s that will ultimately submarine Arizona’s chances of winning a national title. It has to happen. That is who he is. And is season 5 of Fargo taught us anything, it’s that you can’t change who you are.
Deputy Witt Farr = DaJuan Harris Jr.:
Deputy Farr is just the nicest guy in the world. All he wants to do is repay the debt he owes Dorothy Lyon and save her life. I have no idea if this is true but DaJuan Harris Jr. also seems like the nicest guy in the world. He’s small. Unassuming. He always looks completely stoned with those cute little puppy dog eyes. You just get the feeling that if DaJuan Harris Jr. was in season 5 of Fargo, he’d absolutely drive his car into that ranch and rish his very life for Dorothy. Doesn’t matter that he can’t really shoot from distance or rebound. He’ll do everything in his power to return Dorothy to safety. And that’s all that matters.
Minnesota Police Deputy Indira Olmstead = Ryan Kalkbrenner
It takes the entire season but Indira finally stands up to her loser wanna PGA Tour husband and leaves his sorry ass. I wish Kalkbrenner would stand up to all the guards on Creighton who keep hoisting those deep triples and demand the rock. It’s as though he is constantly walking in on someone cheating on him and all he can do is run back down the floor and protect the rim. Fuck that. If you’re gonna jack 3’s, I’m not protecting the rim for you. That’s what Indira would say… in a thick Minne-SODA accent.
Dorothy’s Daughter = Rob Dillingham
She’s just a kid. A happy-go-lucky, drum playing kid living in a crazy world where people are trying to murder her mom. And yet there’s a joy to her existence. Kinda like Rob Dillingham. He’s also just a happy-go-lucky kid with mad handles, a lightening quick first step and a crazy beautiful jumper. In fact, no one is happier, and no one brings me more joy, than Rob Dillingham. If I could spend the rest of my life watching Fargo Season 5 episodes and Rob Dillingham step back jumpers, I’d die a happy man.
The End.
