Before we talk about any NFL bets, we should mention that the NFL season will only go on if Elon Musk wants it to go on. I say this because according to a recent New Yorker article, Elon Musk is controlling the world. For example, did you know that the Ukrainians were going to conduct a secret mission to attack Russian submarines using Starlink satellites and Musk decided his satellites weren’t meant for such nefarious purposes so the Ukrainians had to call it off? We bet on the NFL at our own risk because if Elon Musk doesn’t want an NFL season, there won’t be an NFL season.
But if there is a season, here are the things I bet on in no specific order:
SEASON WIN TOTALS
Cards under 4.5 because they suck.
Colts under 6.5 because they’re starting a rookie QB and they’re mean and won’t trade their running back.
Rams under 6.5 because Kupp is already hurt and they’re old and the coach seems ready to retire.
Bucs under 6.5 because no Tom Brady which means no Gronk which means no bueno.
Packers over 7.5 because Jordan Love has Jordan and Love in his name so he can’t fail.
Texans over 6.5 because Lovie isn’t there and literally any QB is better than Mills.
Pats over 6.5 because Mac Jones can’t get worse and they can still suck and win 7 games.
Steelers over 8.5 because Pickett has to get better and the coach is the most fun at press conferences.
SEASON-LONG PROP BETS
Tua over 3850.5 pass yards and over 26.5 TD’s because he can’t be concussed any more than he was already concussed because the NFL won’t allow it because then no kids would be allowed to play football and everyone would have to join a chess club.
Trevor Lawrence over 4050.5 pass yards and over 26.5 TD’s because his hair is fabulous and it’s not going to get any less fabulous because it’s a year older and longer. Wait, did he cut his hair?
Justin Fields over 18.5 TD’s thrown because he threw 17 last year and they improved the offensive line so he can actually stand in the pocket and throw once in awhile.
Tony Pollard over 1050 rush yards because Zeke is gone and RB’s never get hurt.
Matthew Judon under 11.75 sacks because he has a belly and he’s a year older and men with big bellys that get older tend not to move as well as they did the previous year unless they take lots of little blue pills which is cheating and no one in the NFL cheats.
Aaron Donald under 10.75 sacks because didn’t he retire after the Super Bowl and if he didn’t what could he possibly still have to play for? It’s like when Mike Brady came back and did the Brady movie and Brady TV specials. Why? Go out on top of your game.
I actually bet on more stuff but it’s late and I should really stop gambling. It’s not good for you.
