I wish there was a site that took every ‘expert pick,’ compiled them into a huge database, cross-checked the results with Billy Walters’ results, and published them in one easy-to-read article or spreadsheet. Isn’t that what FiveThirtyEight was supposed to do for gamblers? Instead, FiveThirtyEight’s most recent sports story is from April of 2023. Did they run out of money for the sports section? Instead of spending money on space exploration, why doesn’t Jeff Bezos buy FiveThirtyEight and equip the sports section with MIT alums who don’t want to work at Meta, Google or TikTok so he can make a real impact on the world?
Instead, I spent the last three days reading every article Google could find under “College Football Season Win Totals.” A search like that used to turn up a handful of results from a few trusted media sources. Now that search has me reading from some of America’s finest education institutions like Oddshark.com, Betfirm.com, Docsports.com, and Mybookie. ag. After the search, I feel like I need to take a shower with antibacterial soap.
Still, I do it because if I don’t I feel like I’m letting myself down. I owe it to myself to read all the expert columns, take in all the advice, and then make poor decisions based on other people’s meaningless prognostications because that is the American way.
And with that, here are the season win total bets I made for the 2023-24 college football season:
Florida State Under 10 (-150): One of my friends suggested this one because one of his friends thinks LSU will beat Florida State in the opener and that will mean the Seminoles will have to go 11-1 the rest of the way which is not easy to do. So I took the under.
East Carolina under 5.5 (-145): My boss went to East Carolina and he thinks they’ll win at least 7 games. The oddsmakers think East Carolina will win less than 5.5 games. The oddsmakers never give me a bonus but they’re pretty, pretty smart.
Old Dominion under 3.5 (-135), Northwestern under 3 (-125) and Stanford under 3 (-175): Two separate podcasts made it seem like these three schools have the worst football teams in America. Like even if they were playing each other, none of the schools would have a chance to win because they suck so bad. Plus, Northwestern made their players get naked and do weird stuff so we can’t root for them anyway. If a team is going to be bad, we might as well profit from their misfortune.
Liberty over 9 (-115): To be honest, I just want to be able to say, ‘Liberty, liberty, liber-tee,’ like the TV commercial, after each win.
Kentucky over 7 (-120): My friend says that the coach, one of the Stoops, is really good. And since the basketball team isn’t really good anymore, it makes sense that the football team is picking up the slack.
Penn State over 9.5 (-150): They have two amazing running backs, a top 5 defense, and I’m sick and tired of seeing Ohio State and Michigan battle it out for supremacy in the Big 10. This feels like Penn State’s year.
Georgia under 11.5 (-135): The former offensive coordinator went to tiny Knox College where I went to school. You don’t just replace a Knox College alum and expect to go undefeated for a third season in a row, something no school has done in a very long time (I’m too lazy to Google it now). They have to lose one game. C’mon Auburn!
Auburn over 6.5 (-140): See above.
Texas Tech over 7.5 (+110): I have no idea why I bet this other than the fact that one acclaimed sports writer said that Texas Tech can be this year’s TCU. That was enough for me at positive odds.
If you’re betting on the college football season, I wish you luck. And I hope you had Notre Dame today!
