Last night, I said a little prayer. A Wembanyama as it were.
Tonight is the NBA Draft Lottery and the Portland Trailblazers have a 10% chance of securing the #1 pick. Growing up in Chicago, I am well aware of how one transformative athlete can change the entire economic trajectory of a franchise and a city. In the 80’s and 90’s, article after article was written about MJ’s economic impact on the city of Chicago. From the season ticket holders who often sold one or two playoff games to pay for the entire cost of their season tickets, to the Bucket Boys who turned playing the drums on empty buckets into a lucrative career and are no doubt sitting on a beach in the Caymans right now, one man’s ability to put a ball in a hoop can make a huge difference in so many lives.
So Victor, if you’re reading this, here’s a short list of items I’m hoping you can solve for the city of Portland:
- Homelessness: We have a huge homeless problem in Portland. There’s not enough affordable housing but even if there was, many of the homeless (for a variety of reasons) do not want to be housed. That said, if Victor is in a Trailblazers jersey, I estimate that 66% of the homeless would would to get an apartment with a TV so they could see the 7’4 French wonderchild block shots, hit 3’s and dominate like no man has dominated the game.
- Crime: So much gun violence. Seems like every weekend, someone is shooting someone else over some stupid shit. But here’s the thing. If Victor Wembanyama is going to going to be facing off against Giannis, Embiid or Jokic, are you going to go rob a convenience store or shoot an ex or are you going to stay home, chill, and see if we can finally win a matchup against another huge star? Exactly.
- Climate Change: Because Victor is so tall, the rain falls on his head much sooner than the general population. As a result, he can serve as a sort of weather predictor for Portland and other cities when he travels. I’m sure Google can find a way to combine Victor’s talents into a groundbreaking way to anticipate weather patterns and make the world safer for all of us.
- Food Carts: He’s going to eat a lot because he needs to bulk up. And because of the sheer amount of food he must consume to be able to compete with the likes of Zion, Jokic etc., the Portland food cart scene should continue to expand. Yes, we just got a Shake Shack next to Powells, but it’s not enough. We need more high quality carts and offerings from France, Italy and other Euro nations. And we need to employ Portland’s homeless community to run these carts.
- Political Malfeasance & Gambling: The second in command to our Governor was just forced to resign because she took a lucrative deal from a marijuana company. If Victor is a Blazer, every Portland resident will simply be able to bet on the Blazers every night and will become independently wealthy. There will be no need for under the radar side projects or illegal activities.
- Dame: This is really the most important one. If we get the #1 pick tonight and Victor Wembanyama comes to tiny Portland, OR, Dame will stay because who wouldn’t stay to mentor the best NBA prospect since Lebron. If it goes down the way I expect, we will erase the embarrassment of Sam Bowie and Greg Oden and finally return the Portland Trailblazers to its rightful spot atop the NBA.
And my season tickets will finally be worth it.
