I have no idea why I watch the Handmaid’s Tale. It’s incredibly depressing especially in light of our current Supreme Court and how closely the show’s reality mirrors our own. More than any other show on television, I just feel dirty after watching. And yet I binged through those first two episodes of season 5 faster than a perpetually out-of-control Cameron Payne leading a Suns’ fast break. And then it occured to me that other than sharing a dystopian world view, one of the reasons I probably like the show is because you can see so many similarities between its characters and the ones I follow regularly as a sports fan.
So what if every character in The Handmaid’s Tale was a sports personality? Who would they be? Here’s a quick take:
Commander Fred Waterford = Suns owner Robert Sarver
Like June, I couldn’t wait to see Commander Waterford suffer for everything he put her through. And while hunting him down, biting his face off and clubbing him to death may have been a little prehistoric in nature, it felt just about right. How many of the Suns’ staff would love to do the same to Sarver if given the opportunity? Instead of a year suspension and a $10 million fine, maybe Adam Silver should’ve turned Sarver over to the HR department and let them have their way with him. I’m sure TNT would love to televise that event.
June Osborne = Kevin Durant
When June first came on the scene, I loved her. I rooted for her. I wanted nothing more in life than to see her kill Commander Waterford, get her daughter back and get back to living a happy life. Similarly, when Durant first came in the league, I wanted to see him, Russ and Harden win a title in OKC. After June killed commander Waterford, and KD won in Golden State, something changed. I no longer root for June, I feel sorry for her. Sorry for all the pain she’s suffered sure, but sorry that she’s turned into an incredibly unlikeable character who, for obvious reasons, lost sight of the person she once was. Similarly, KD used to fill an entire arena with his love for the game. Now he spends most of the time avoiding the media or blaming them for reporting the truth. I hope one day I can root for June and KD again but right now it’s like eating dry broccoli on a stick. It’s just hard.
Commander Joseph = Greg Popovich
They both enjoy a good glass of wine. They both know how to talk to people from a variety of walks of life. They’re both shrewd tacticians. They’re both incredibly loyal to the causes and the people they believe in. And they both have old man gray beards.
Serena Joy = Kyrie Irving
She’s pure evil. We’re talking Ozark’s Wendy Byrde evil. Like a Grandmaster setting up a chess board, the fact that she thought through 10 moves to eventually get herself on CNN with June’s daughter handing her flowers is one of the most brilliant and utterly wicked achievements in modern television history. Part of what makes her so scary is you can’t ever get a handle on how she sees the world. Same with Kyrie. If I could just understand how he knew more than all the best scientists in the world regarding the efficacy of the vaccine… but I can’t.
Luke Bankole = Albert Pujols
Luke is the best husband I know. The best person I know. Robin Givens didn’t stand by Mike Tyson when he bit off Evander’s ear but Luke stood by June when she took a chunk out of Waterford’s face. The only athlete I know that’s even remotely close to Luke’s feel good story is Albert Pujols. Watching Pujols chug around the bases for the 698th time (hoping he’ll make it all the way around) I can’t help but hope that he gets to 700 and rides off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
Nick Blaine = Adam Silver
Nick would do anything for June like Adam would do anything for the NBA. They’re both deal makers at heart. Sure Nick might go too far one day and wind up on the wall, and Adam might make a few rash moves to separate his legacy from David Stern’s, but they’re determined to make the world a better place.
Aunt Lydia = James Dolan and Dan Synder
Some people are so lost in their lostness, they don’t even know they’re lost. Who deserves to suffer the most of these three? It’s so close but I’d have to go with Dolan. As bad as Aunt Lydia has been, it’s hard for anyone to top James Dolan in the worst human being category. What he’s done to the New York Knicks is a crime of unspeakable dimensions. Someway, somehow, I hope they all get what’s coming to them.
Praise be.
