There are a lot of problems in the world. There’s no drinking water in Jackson, Mississippi, Russians are in charge of nuclear facilities in Ukraine, used cars are selling for more than new cars and there’s another epic Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones show I feel pressured to watch so I don’t feel totally irrelevant culturally. Add to that list that it’s still really hard to gamble on sports in Oregon.
Last year, Draftkings partnered with the Oregon Lottery to make the Oregon Lottery’s horrible attempt at creating a mobile gambling app a thing of the past. The only problem is the Oregon legislature won’t overturn a law that still makes it illegal to bet on college sports in the state. For some crazy, outdated, pre-NIL reason, in Oregon you can bet on the NBA, MLB, NFL, tennis, golf, cricquet and darts but you can’t bet on college football or basketball. There’s no doubt this law will be overturned when some lawmaker realizes how much money the state is squandering by not allowing wagers to be placed on college sports. According to a US News report, regulated gambling was set to rake in $125 billion this year. Unfortunately, for Oregon gamblers it still feels like we’re the little kids sneaking into our parents’ bedroom to try and watch an “R” rated movie when no one’s looking.
In order to place a bet on college football this weekend, I had to reach out to friends in neighboring states to see who might be willing to open an account and serve as a de facto bookie. The thing about people who don’t like to gamble is they view the rest of us as less than. One friend of a friend told me he’d do it but then wondered if organized crime was somehow involved.
“I’m just nervous there might be some criminal element involved,” he said.
“Criminal element? It’s you making a college football bet for me,” I said.
“I know. I just always think the mob is gonna be involved somehow because aren’t they always involved with gambling?”
Another childhood friend got cold feet when she realized you had to link a bank account to fund the account with actual dollars. Another friend of a friend said he’s be interested but only if he too could make bets using my money. Ummm, no. At this point, I felt like I was going on blind bookie dates, and no one was good enough for me.
After going through a number of candidates, I finally met Mr. Right. He seems smart, trustworthy, reliable, not overly critical of my bad habits and willing to accept texts at reasonable times. On the downside, Mr. Right lives in Chicago and in Illinois you can’t bet on Illinois based college teams. So no Northwestern season win total (over 4) and no Northwestern +13.5 against Nebraska, a game they won outright. To circumvent that obstacle, I now have another friend in Colorado place any bet on Illinois teams.
All of this just to place wagers on sports, an activity that is proven to be a long term money drain. As the college football season gets ready to kick off in earnest tomorrow, I feel like I had to work harder to find a way to make my wagers than I did researching the actual bets. That’s probably not a good thing but for what’s it’s worth, here’s the teams I’m taking.
2022-23 CFB SEASON WIN TOTALS
Iowa over 7.5
Pitt under 8.5
Washington State over 5.5
Louisiana Tech over 4.5
LSU over 7
Virginia under 7
Bowling Green over 4
NC State over 8.5
Oregon State over 5.5
USC under 9.5
TCU over 6.5
Notre Dame over 8.5
Colorado State under 5.5
Fresno State over 8.5
Division Winner Parlay
Alabama + Georgia + Ohio State (-125)
