I don’t know how else to say this so I’ll just say it. We’re going to Disneyland. When we first started talking about it a few months ago, I was somewhat excited. I don’t love amusement parks but I don’t hate em either. For me, they’re kinda like Clint Eastwood movies or WNBA basketball. I wouldn’t seek out the experience but if I happen to happen upon it, I can find a way to enjoy myself.
But the closer we got to the trip, the more I began to suffer from PTDD (Pre Traumatic Disney Disorder).
The first thing to know about Disneyland is everyone has an opinion about the best way to do it. Apparently, it’s no longer your parents’ Disneyland where you show up, buy tickets, ride a few rides, complain about the long wait times, scarf down some elephant ears while you’re waiting and call it a day. Nowadays, like everything else in the world, it starts with downloading the app.
If you want to purchase, tickets, you download the app. If you want to see the map, you download the app. If you want to chat with a Disnified human, you download the app and chat with them. If you want to be recognized as a human being with any sense of self-worth and dignity, you damn well sure better download the app.
Fine. I did. But navigating the app is like taking a Khan Academy class in trigonometry. It ain’t exactly easy!
First, there’s the Genie+ service which, as far as I can tell, doesn’t do much other than tell you how long the wait times are at every ride which, in the olden days, would’ve been accomplished the old school way.
“Hey, have you been to Space Mountain?”
“Yeah, we were just there.”
“How long was the wait?”
“About 90 minutes but we bribed a guy with a corn dog so we only waited twenty.”
Will the app replace those meaningful conversations? That feels sad.
The app also has something called the ‘Lightening Lane’ where for an extra $30/ride, in addition to the hundreds you’ve already paid for the tickets with the Genie+, you can skip the line. But here’s the thing… you can only use Lightening Lane passes for two rides per day because, well, if everyone could just keep buying Lightening Lane passes it would separate the rich from the poor and, just so you know, that’s not what America is all about. Note#1: For those who believe that’s exactly what America is all about there is a Disney VIP experience where you can hire a Disney agent — who knows the park like the Navy Seals knew the layout of Saddam’s hiding spot — to take you around all day for the princely sum of $650/hour or $5200/day. Note#2: There are brain surgeons that make less than Disneyland VIP tour guides.
So for the majority of guests, the app’s the thing. And it’s a pretty good thing because the app also features interactive maps, mobile food ordering, mobile merch checkout, tips, virtual queues (because real lines aren’t annoying enough), photos, hotel reservations, shops, ‘My Genie Day’ and a way to reconnect with your parents and forgive them if they never took you to Disneyland when you were a kid. OK, it doesn’t have that but wouldn’t it be amazing?
The app has so much stuff, I’m tempted to skip the actual park and just play on the app for two days. But that would mean I wouldn’t be able to see how often people stare at their phones while in Disneyland. The app is so critical to your success, you have to have your phone on at all times. In light of this, my wife went out and bought a shiny new mobile charger because, like Superman with kryptonite around his neck, if we’re without our phones in the park we lose all our powers.
All of this is not to say I’m not excited about next week. The other day, as Gina and I were cuddling in bed, she softly whispered in my ear, “Did you know Disney is the ‘Happiest Place In The World?’
“What?” I asked.
“Disney. It’s known as the happiest place in the world. That’s their motto. Think about the balls it takes to make that claim.”
Right? Can you imagine the pressure on Mickey and Minnie’s marriage to be the happiest place in the world day after day after day? What if you drink too much one night, catch your animated partner cheating on you in one of the bathroom stalls, lose your shit for a brief moment and slash the tires on all the bumper cars.
And anyway, how do they know that it’s the happiest place in the world? There are forests in New Zealand that’ve never been touched by carbon emissions, waters in the Caribbean where dolphins frolic all day and make that cute dolphin noise every 10 seconds and a basketball court in Indiana where you can always find 10 guys, each of whom is a little shorter and slower than you, to run.
On Monday morning at 8am, Gina, Erez and I will enter Disneyland ready to hit the first rope drop because that’s what everyone on the Disney message boards says you have to do. We’ll see how happy we are 13 hours later when the fireworks go off.
