There’s so much to be thankful for this year. The pandemic is almost gone, unless it’s starting all over again in South Africa. Inflation is finally tamed, unless it’s just getting started. Global warming will finally get solved, unless we’re all dead before we finally figure out how to actually fight it. Rather than focus on things we’re not quite sure we’re thankful for, let’s focus on things we’re 100% certain we are.
ROMAN AND GERRI’S NOT LOVE LOVE AFFAIR
Has there ever been a kinkier-romance-that’s-not-even-remotely-a-romance-romance? I can’t say I want Roman and Gerri to get it on out loud cuz that makes me as sick as they are but I really kinda sorta want them to get it on in a non-sexual sexual way. I’m getting hot just thinking about it.
ANGRY SCOTTIE PIPPIN
Hell no, I’m not going to read his book. Is anyone? But good for Scottie Pippin for trying to step out of MJ’s shadow all these years later and tell his version of events. Sure, he probably asked MJ for permission and is splitting royalties with him behind the scenes but who cares. For once in his life, Scottie Pippin is doing whatever Scottie Pippin wants to do.
NO FLOPPING!
Finally, a basketball rule that makes sense. No one likes flopping, or seeing James Harden jump sideways into a defender to get to the foul line. No flopping rules should be implemented throughout society. Redrawing voting maps for no reason other than giving Republicans or Democrats uncontested power should be outlawed under the no flopping rule. Long prison sentences for nonviolent offenses should be outlawed under no flopping. Sour cream on latkes. No Flopping!
DISNEY+
Prior to its launch, Peppa Pig was the only thing my daughter and I could watch together. Now every Friday night is pizza and Disney+ night. The Mandalorian. WandaVision. The Mysterious Benedict Society. My daughter thinks I’m a world class father and it only costs me $6.99/month.
LEGALIZED SPORTS GAMBLING
For years I was forced to navigate shady overseas websites and shadier local bookies. No more! Thanks to Congress and a willing Supreme Court, gambling is now legal in some form in 48 states. There’s still a long way to go for sports wagering (why can’t I use DraftKings or FanDuel in every state?) but the tide has finally turned and I’ll never enter a dark alley with large bills in a paper bag again.
TRUMP SILENCE
I haven’t heard Donald Trump say a single, audible word in more than a year. I’m so grateful for that.
JOHN PAXSON AND GAR FORMAN ARE UNEMPLOYED
It only took close to two decades but the Bulls finally fired John Paxson and GM Gar Forman and wouldn’t you know it, the Bulls are fun to watch and relevant for the first time since MJ retired (unless you consider Derrick Rose’s first 3 seasons relevant).
THE STOCK MARKET
Sure, it has to come back down to earth at some point. But what a ride! If you’ve been fortunate enough to be invested in the market over the last decade, you’ve seen your wealth grow at a historic rate. In fact, from 2011-2020, the S&P 500’s annualized return has been 13.9%.
We all have a lot to be thankful for, including the fact that this piece is thankfully over.
One response to “Roman Roy, Angry Scottie Pippin, Flop Warnings and Other Things I’m Thankful For”
Who are Roman and Gerri?