There’s a lot to be depressed about in America right now. Virginia’s new governor. Henry Ruggs III’s driving. The number of months left before Netflix releases Stranger Things season 3. Luckily, hope is on the way. As a nation, we’ve been forced to watch NBA basketball the past month because college hoops doesn’t start until early November. Alas, the torture is nearly over as college basketball kicks off next week with two killer matchups featuring Kansas vs. Michigan State and Kentucky vs. Duke.
Every year I debate a few of my misguided, clueless friends who believe with all their hearts that the NBA is superior to college basketball. Like Republicans and Raiders fans, I feel sorry for these people because they don’t know what they don’t know. Like a kid who’s been forced to eat vegetables their entire life, basketball fans who only watch the NBA are deprived of one of life’s most sublime pleasures. To finally put the matter to rest, here are 10 reasons why college basketball is better than NBA basketball every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
#1 THE NCAA TOURNAMENT
The single elimination tournament is undoubtedly the greatest sporting event ever created in the history of humankind. Some will argue the Roman chariot races were more exciting but in reviewing the dusty video footage with wooden wheels breaking at inopportune times, it wasn’t. No other sporting event allows for the Davids to upset the Goliaths in such thrilling fashion on a regular basis. No other sporting event lets you gamble on so many games in so few days. And no other sporting event lets you fill out brackets. The NBA’s 82-game regular season and drawn out playoffs sucks comparitively.
#2 New Talent
Imagine clocking into the same job every day, seeing the same supervisor wear the same dirty underwear year after year. What kind of life is that? That’s the NBA. Consider that Chris Paul and LeBron James will still be leading their teams into the playoffs this season. Despite the rise of the G League and a few new initiatives, the NCAA still attracts major new talent every year. This season’s banner crop includes Duke forward Paolo Banchero, Gonzaga beanpole Chet Holmgren, Memphis’ Emoni Bates and Jalen Duren, Auburn’s Jabari Smith and Michigan’s Caleb Houstan.
#3 Gus Johnson
Gus Johnson doesn’t do NBA games. He does NCAA tournament games. Why? Because this level of excitement would seem foolish at the professional level. College basketball is the only place for this amount of awesomeness.
#4 Game Winning Shots
OK, there have been a few famous NBA game winning shots. Magic’s running hook over McHale and Parish in the lane. MJ’s jumper over Ehlo. Ray Allen’s jumper from the corner to save the Heat’s title chances. But are those really better than Christian Laettner’s turnaround jumper, Lorenzo Charles’ dunk off Whittenberg’s airball or Jenkins’ clutch three to win it for Villanova?
#5 Better Ball Movement, Less Freelancing
College teams still run disciplined offenses where the ball moves and guys don’t just run to a corner and stand around. More players are involved in the college game because there are fewer isolations. Watch a Houston Rockets game and you’ll see what I mean. There are no plays. Every time down, whoever has the ball in his hands either goes one-on-one or receives one ball screen and jacks up an ill advised shot. I know this because I had Houston +10.5 last night against the Suns and the offense down the stretch was worse than watching a 7th grade Jr. Varsity game. No passing. No assists. No one playing together. Just a series of one-on-one possessions with everyone else standing around watching. Great hair though. My favorite part of the game was when Suns announcer Eddie Johnson said he’d cut Kevin Porter Jr.’s two braids. “They’re getting in his eyes. It’s ridiculous. If I was his teammate, know I’d sneak into his room and cut em off one night. No question.”
#6 Face Painting Fans
College kids are the best. They can smoke, drink, have unprotected sex, stay up all night, ace an exam, write a paper, then paint their faces and go jump and down and scream their collective heads off for two hours before they Facetime their parents and say absolutely nothing when you ask, ‘How’s school?’
#7 Gambling
It’s so much easier to bet on college basketball than the NBA. College kids try every night. They have to because if they don’t try they get benched and if they get benched they realize the only thing waiting for them in the real world is a job at the post office or an airline or becoming an investment banker where you work 70 hours a week and still don’t make anything close to what the 12th man on an NBA roster makes. So you play hard. NBA players have money. And groupies. So there’s no reason to put yourself out too much if things aren’t going your way one night. Go back to the hotel. Go to the club. Live your life. Basketball is a job. Jobs suck. Unless you’re in college. Then basketball is still your job but it’s fun.
#8 The Bands
Colleges still have bands. Bands are awesome. Especially the tuba players. Think about what happens at every timeout during an NBA game. There’s horrible music, those annoying t-shirt guns, that woman riding a bike while stacking plates and saucers on her arms and head or some lame corporate contest where someone can win a free Toyota Tundra (does anyone actually own a Toyota Tundra? I feel like there’s just one dude somewhere who owns all the Toyota Tundras) and overpriced concessions. At a college game, the first thing you hear when a timeout is called is a clarinet major fucking up C minor but working out the kinks to get it right for next time. I love college bands! There’s nothing like listening to a bunch of hungover 20-somethings belt out Sweet Caroline for the millionth time followed by whatever Ariana Grande number the aging band coach was willing to add to the playlist. Speaking of playlists, shouldn’t college bands take requests? That’s the evolution of the college band. If you pay money to go watch college hoops, you should be able to request songs the band plays during timeouts via an app on your phone. Who can get this done? Can we ask Donna Shalala?
#9 Coaches
College coaches are legendary and bad ass. Wooden, Knight, Boeheim, John Thompson, Lefty, Ray Meyer, Cal, Coach K, Izzo, Juwan Howard! So many characters. NBA coaches are so, ummm, boring. Sure Pop is great but other than Pop, name an NBA coach that you’d love to have dinner with or talk basketball with all night. OK, Monty Williams is awesome. But other than Pop and Monty Williams….there are none. Because the NBA sucks compared to college basketball!
#10 Bench Performance Art
A few years ago, the guys on the Monmouth bench turned bench antics into performance art. A rare thing of beauty. This doesn’t happen in the NBA because the enthusiasm and love of the game isn’t the same. If you’re on an NBA bench, you’re pissed you’re not making as much as the guys on the floor. If you’re riding a college bench, you’re wondering if they’ll have Cheetos for the post-game meal.
Tuesday can’t get here soon enough.
