You know how some people just annoy the hell out of you? The stock market has a way for people to invest in short term volatility in the form of VIXY, an ETF that tracks the market’s short term future. There should be a way for all of us to invest in short term annoyances. Who can I call to get this ETF listed on the major exchanges? The ticker symbol for our ETF will be ANOY and anytime a person in our fund does something incredibly annoying, we’ll all be able to profit from it. Here are the 10 people that would comprise the foundation of our portfolio.
Mitch McConnell
Is any American more annoying than Mitch McConnell? Just looking at his white, crusty, triple chin always puts me in a bad mood. This week he’s holding our country’s funding hostage because he knows if the economy and the stock market tank he’ll be able to blame the Democratic administration and help the Republicans retake Congress in the mid-term elections. Of course, there’s never a problem lowering taxes or raising the debt ceiling when a Republican is on office. It’s only when we have a Democratic President that the debt ceiling takes on such huge importance. It’s one thing to oppose a massive spending package that may very well fight climate change, protect voting rights, improve education and help children in poverty. It’s something totally different to put thousands of people out of work and risk the dollar as the currency of choice the world over to score political points. Ridiculously annoying!
Kyrie Irving
I love basketball as much as I love anything in life. As a result, I love Kyrie’s crossover because other than Steph’s jumper, it’s the single, sweetest thing in today’s game. I just wish that crossover wasn’t connected to such an annoying human. First of all, get over yourself. Yes, I respect your right to privacy. So much so that I wish the media would stop focusing so much on your personal life decisions. But since we have no choice but to read about you every day, it’s incredibly annoying that you don’t understand why being vaccinated isn’t really a personal choice. Kyrie, if you’re surfing the web and you happen to be reading this, please read this article from The Atlantic. It explains exactly why the unvaccinated are spreading virus far more often than the vaccinated and why, in fact, the decision to remain unvaccinated hurts those around you and our country’s ability to function. At this point, if there was a vaccine I could take that would protect me from the pain of having to listen to Kyrie Irving, I’d take that vaccine too.
Bill Belichick, Greg Popovich and Kevin Durant
Enough already. Yes, some members of the media ask ridiculous questions. But you’re public figures. You make millions of dollars doing a public thing. Is it too much to ask that you answer a few questions sincerely every week? Here’s an idea. Why doesn’t the media just stop interviewing all three of you. it’s not funny anymore. It’s just incredibly annoying.
Ted Lasso
I know, I know. Jason Sudeikis gave the world optimism at a time we all so desperately needed it. But I find the whole optimism thing super annoying. The planet is warming. There’s a raging pandemic. Wealth disparity is out of control. We don’t need blind, altruistic optimism. We need a heavy dose of reality in the hopes that it’ll force us to make some uncomfortable changes. There’s nothing to be optimistic about right now. Deal with it. The biggest thing Ted Lasso does for me is make me miss Bill Hader and Barry Season 3. I’ll take a psychopathic hit man with a love of Chekov over an altruistic soccer coach any day of the week.
Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos
Proof that all the money in the world can’t stop you from being annoying.
People Who Use Food Delivery Apps
It takes forever. It costs a lot more. It’s bad for the environment. To be fair, everything is bad for the environment. Still, do we really need food delivery apps? The world got along just fine before UberEats, Grubhub, DoorDash and ChowNow. So incredibly annoying.
I’ve always believed that if we could simply remove all the annoying people on the planet, life would be infinitely better for the rest of us.
