If The Pats Don’t Win 9 Games, Will Bill Simmons Cover My Bet?

Dear Bill Simmons,

I’ve been reading your columns since they appeared on Page2. I followed you on NBA Countdown even though it was a horrible show. Although in all fairness, it did lead to one of the best moments in NBA television history.

I watched a few episodes of your HBO show. I listen to your podcasts. I listen to your friends on your podcasts. I listen to your kids on your podcasts. I even peed right next to you at the New Yorker Festival in 2010, and we had this conversation, after you appeared with Malcolm Gladwell.

ME: Do you believe in Big Baby?

BS: Excuse me?

ME: Do you believe in Big Baby?

BS: Are you asking me if I believe in Big Baby while we’re peeing?

ME: I am.

BS: Why are you asking me now?

ME: Wasn’t sure what else we should talk about.

BS: Fair enough. Yes, I do believe in Big Baby. I’d believe in him a lot more if he lost 20 pounds and could consistently make a 15-footer but I believe in him. Do you believe in him?

ME: I don’t.

BS: Well, thank you. This has been great.

Like millions of fans, I’ve been with you for a very, very long time. And like any long-term relationship, I’m starting to get a little bored, a little restless. I’m beginning to question my value in the relationship. So here’s what I want to know. How much is one listener worth? I’m sure Spotify has a way to quantify this, some sort of advanced media metric. I’m interested to know how much I am worth to you. $100? $500? $1000?

Here’s what I propose. Last week you made the case that the Pats were going to be back this year and that 10-7 was a lock. Despite the fact that I’ve been gambling as long as you, and despite the fact that I know it’s a complete homer pick, I got sucked in and bought into the hooded one’s superior game-planning and will to win. I bet the ‘alternate season win total’ of over 8.5 (-175). For the non-gamblers, that means the Pats have to win 9 games for me to win the bet. 

So here’s my proposition. If the Pats don’t win 9 games, you agree to cover my loss. It’s not a huge wager. It’s small potatoes for a man of your stature. In exchange, I agree to continue listening to your podcasts and helping you grow your media empire for the next decade. Seems fair, right? 20 years of reading and listening in exchange for one covered bet.

Do we have a deal?