With the pandemic still raging and experts saying it’s unlikely we’ll ever reach herd immunity in the United States because of variants – and the number of Americans who refuse to get vaccinated – it will become increasingly more important to be able to tell who has been double vaccinated using a combination of common sense and well known stereotypes. I hope this handy dandy visual guide will help you determine who you can kiss at a bus stop and who you need to cross the street to get away from as quickly as possible.
WHITE PEOPLE IN BUTTON DOWN SHIRTS
In general, white people in button down shirts are getting vaccinated in large numbers because they’re scared of dying alone in a hospital room in one of those hospital gowns. If you see a white person in a button down shirt, and they’re wearing a mask, you can be 96% sure that they’ve been double vaccinated and feel relatively safe to walk briskly past them on the street.
ANGRY WHITE PEOPLE THAT AREN’T AS RICH AS OTHER WHITE PEOPLE
This gets a little dicey. Angry white people tend to distrust science, distrust the government, distrust PBS and NPR and distrust all people who don’t look like them. There is a 28% chance that they have received one dose and a 12% chance they have been double vaccinated because a few have grandmothers they don’t want to die. You don’t have to worry about seeing them in the park – they’re too angry to jog – but your best bet is to cross the street quickly if you see one coming your way.
TEENAGERS
You can trust teenagers to do two things: text incessantly and throw their clothes on the floor. If they have responsible parents that make them get the shot, maybe, but other than that teenagers, whether your own or someone else’s, are to be avoided at all costs.
TIM SCOTT
He says America isn’t racist. If you believe that, despite 245 years of evidence to the contrary, I guess you can believe that he’s been double vaccinated. He’s scary.
BABY YODA
It’s hard because he doesn’t really say much so you don’t know if he’s been double dosed. What’s worse, the tendency is to want to cuddle with him because he’s so cute so literally anytime he leaves the house he’s creating a super spreader event. As with most celebrities, the best thing to do is admire from afar.
BEYONCE
Of course B (I call her B) has been vaccinated. And even if she hasn’t, it doesn’t matter. You can’t get COVID from the queen. You just can’t.
DOG OWNERS
Dog loving humans are the very best humans. In general, dog owners tend to care about other beings so you can be relatively certain they’ve been vaccinated. Cat owners on the other hand…
MITCH MCCONNELL
This is less a COVID thing and more of a ‘he just doesn’t look well’ thing. It’s sad but whenever someone doesn’t look well, the safest thing to do is run in the other direction. When it comes to Senator McConnell, you should definitely run.
Look, I realize that this list is short, disjointed and filled with stereotypes. It’s just a start. My hope is that you and your family and friends will build your own list of people and traits to help you determine who has been double vaccinated. Together, we can successfully avoid these people and get this country moving in the right direction. YES. WE. CAN.
