When news broke this week that MacKenzie Scott had re-married a science teacher from her kid’s school in Seattle, it hit me hard. My parents warned me not to major in English because the possibilities were so limited.
“English teachers are a dime a dozen,” my father said. “You’ll never get rich being an English teacher.”
“He’s right,” my mom said. “After you’ve mastered subject-verb agreement and semi-colon placement, what else is there really?”
The thought of becoming a science teacher always scared me. I didn’t want to spend my time memorizing the Periodic Table, dissecting dead frogs or pouring baking soda into a two liter soda bottle just to see the little rocket explode into the sky. So much work for so little payoff.
But now, finally, I see the allure. MacKenzie Scott wouldn’t have fallen in love with an English teacher. She’s a writer. She already knows how to properly punctuate in a pinch. I also thought about being a gym teacher but she wouldn’t have fallen in love with a gym teacher either. Too many sweatsuits and games with cones. (Games With Cones: Great name for an HBO show about a gym teacher.) Anyway, if Walter White taught us anything, it’s that there’s no stopping a great scientific mind.
Mr. Jewett, or Dan for our purposes, has already come out and humbly stated that as a teacher he never thought he’d have $53 billion to help give away to charity as part of The Giving Pledge.
“I have never thought to gather the kind of wealth required to feel like saying such a thing would have particular meaning,” said Dan.
He’s so down to earth! Here’s a man who became a science teacher to advance the greater scientific good and he just admitted, publicly, that he never even thought about acquiring $53 billion dollars to give away to charitable causes. Clearly, had he put his scientific mind to such trivial pursuits, he may have acquired $54 or $55 billion without batting a bunsen burner. But he didn’t. Because he doesn’t care about money. That’s just not Dan.
A Little Advice For Dan
To be clear, I don’t know Dan Jewett. And I don’t know what it’s like to marry someone with $53 billion dollars. But I have spent a good deal of time thinking about what it would be like to marry someone with $53 billion dollars so Dan Jewett, if you’re listening, here’s a few things I would do with $53 billion dollars.
Get Some Rims. Science teachers like Dan rarely get rims for their cars because they’re too modest. Instead, they’ll often take their money and invest it in a low-cost S&P 500 Index fund. But Dan deserves more. Dan deserves some fly ass rims for his ride. Imagine the respect Dan would earn from his students if he rolled up in this whip. Can you say ‘tenure track?’
Hire A Personal Fashion Assistant. You’re worth billions. You can’t be out here walking around looking like a $62,500/year science teacher. Time to step up your game brother.
Carry “NO” cards. I’ve heard when you get really rich, everyone is always asking you for money. If it were me, I’d have simple white business cards printed on heavy card stock with the word “No” on it. Done.
Challenge Elon Musk and Mark Cuban to a game of celebrity Jeopardy. I’m so tired of hearing what they have to say. How refreshing would it be if a local science teacher whooped their Silicon asses in Jeopardy? They’d name a holiday after you. Day Of Dan!
Buy A Sports Team. I know you’re supposed to give all the money away to charity but before you do, can’t you at least convince MacKenzie to buy you a major sports franchise? That way you have somewhere to be every night at 7:30PM which takes so much pressure off your social calendar.
Get HBO, Netflix, Hulu and Disney+. There’s no excuse now for not signing up for all the services. How embarrassing would it be if you want to watch a show and you have tell MacKenzie she can’t because you’re not signed up for that service?
If you need any more advice Dan, don’t hesitate to get in touch. I’ll be over here reading the New Yorker, or writing another movie script, with all the other English teachers.
