Pants are important. It’s one of the things that separates us from animals. Think about how important pants are to your day. When you have to go somewhere, the first thing you do is think about what pair of pants you’re going to wear. If it’s a casual thing, you grab a pair of jeans. If it’s a formal thing, you grab a pair of nicer jeans.
I haven’t worn a pair of pants in the past twelve months. I’m not proud of it. It’s just the way it is. In Portland, the temperature rarely drops below 40 and my legs have never been the part of my body that gets cold. But I’m beginning to worry that my lack of pants could be impacting my ability to make smart investment and gambling decisions. Putting on a pair of pants helps you look at the world in a certain way. Without pants, nothing is worth taking seriously. Like if you’re not wearing pants, how concerned are you really about democracy in Myanmar? If you’re not wearing pants, I question whether you even know where Myanmar is on the map. Well, do you?
Needless to say, I’m thinking long and hard (eww!) about wearing pants at least once a week. But before I make any major life changes, my dad always told me to list the pros and cons of that decision. So here goes:
Pros of Wearing Pants
- You feel like an adult and so you can talk about adult things like the minimum wage proposal. It feels weird to debate a minimum wage increase in shorts.
- You can hide your scrawny, hairy legs if you have scrawny, hairy legs.
- You have to pick out a pair to wear which means for a split second you had to think about your appearance.
- They keep your legs warm.
- You feel like you’ve accomplished something even if you really haven’t done anything the entire day other than write a blog post about putting on pants.
- If you find yourself in a locker room giving an inspirational speech to young athletes you can say, “We put on our pants on one leg at a time just like they do,” and not feel like a complete hypocrite. Note: My high school coach used to say that all the time when the opposing team was kicking our ass and I always thought to myself, ‘Doesn’t everyone put their pants on one leg at a time? How else can you put your pants on?’
- If you wear pants, you have a place for your wallet which means you’re likely going somewhere that requires money which is a good thing because we all need to support the local economy and buy chimichangas from the guy with the chimichangas cart down the block.
- If people see you in pants, they can say, “Hey, nice pants,” whereas if you’re not wearing pants they can’t say that.
Cons of Wearing Pants
- You’re becoming exactly who your mother always wanted you to be.
- You can’t go running. And if you’re running in pants, then you’re probably one of those people stealing catalytic converters from cars.
- Your legs remain pasty white and no one appreciates pasty white legs.
- You’re further away from retirement. Studies show that people who wear shorts five days a week are either retired or unemployed.
- You may need a belt.
- You have to decide if your shirt should be tucked or untucked. If you wear shorts, there’s never a question.
- People generally expect more of you. Your partner will expect you to be loving or attentive. Your boss will expect you to produce things like reports or presentations. Your kids will want sage advice and money for food. The less often you wear pants, the less anyone expects of you.
The truth is, we need more data. Our country could benefit from a nationally recognized number – like the Dow Jones Industrial Average or the S&P 500 – that could serve as a bellwether to inform us how many Americans are wearing pants at any given time. That way we can all make an informed decision about who we are and who we want to be moving forward.
