55 Reasons I Hate Tom Brady So I’m Taking The Chiefs Moneyline

I thought about writing a 4,000 word story analyzing both teams, breaking down the Chiefs offensive line vs. the Bucs pass rush but then I quickly realized we have Bill Barnwell for that and what I really have to add to the massive amount of Super Bowl coverage is a list of reasons why I hate Tom Brady. So in honor of Super Bowl LV – that’s 55 for anyone who didn’t take Roman Numerals in high school – here are the 55 reasons I hate Tom Brady which most succinctly explain why I’m taking the Chiefs moneyline on Sunday.

1. He’s a winner. Winners suck.

2. Never got high and if he did, you know he coughed.

3. Won’t eat strawberries.

4. No grotesque hairy belly fat like the rest of us.

5. He’s smarmy AF.

6. Hair is always perfectly coiffed and he probably knows how to spell coiffed.

7. He lived in a house with a moat.

8. He pretends to be nice which means he’s a dick.

9. Never had sex with an ugly person. How can you be fully human without having sex with at least one really ugly person?

10. He endorsed Uggs.

11. Divorced Bridget Monynahan and ended up with someone way hotter which is super annoying for the millions of Americans who never got lucky with even one hot girl.

12. He’s been to as many Super Bowls as I have toes.

13. He’s a Michigan Man. Why is that even a thing? Is it any better than being a Northwestern Man? Or a Cal-State Fullerton Man?

14. His mom always folded his underwear.

15. He’s never farted in public.

16. If he was ever attracted to one of his offensive lineman, he’d never publicly admit it.

17. My friend Ann says if he wins Sunday, he goes down in history as “better than Jordan.” My friend Ann has smoked weed every night since 2002.

18. He has perfect teeth.

19. He never fell off his bike when he was a kid.

20. He’s never lost at Jenga.

21. He took advantage of Drew Bledsoe’s injury to make a name for himself and never gave the guy his job back. If you work in construction and someone gets hurt, when he’s ready to return to work you give the guy his job back.

22. He’s really, really white.

23. And he’s friends with Donald Trump.

24.  He buys his offensive lineman nice gifts. Incredibly nice. Incredibly annoying.

25. He always scores on QB sneaks from the 1.

26. No alcohol. Like ever. How can you trust anyone that doesn’t drink?

27. He still has hair.

28. He wrote a cookbook.

29. He left the franchise that took a chance on him.

30. He likely has right wing views but was too busy to storm the Capital.

31. He’s a “family man.”

32. He deflated things.

33. He’s won more Super Bowls than 28 other teams.

34. He doesn’t get hurt. Maybe tear an ACL or something to show you’re human.

35. He didn’t even think about joining the Bears.

36. He wrote a self-help book even though regular people can’t play in the NFL no matter how hard they try so it was really a book that should’ve been titled, “If Only You Could Be More Like Me Maybe Your Shitty Life Wouldn’t Suck So Much.”

37. If you’re counting, we’re only at 35. There’s 20 more reasons why I hate Tom Brady!

38. He’s never been a bus driver or a sanitation worker.

39. He doesn’t have an engineering degree.

40. He can’t write Internet code.

41. If he’d entered a national spelling bee contest when he was a kid and lost, he’d walk off the stage, throw a tantrum and angrily toss his pencil into an Indian girl’s eye blinding her for life and then pay hush money to her parents so it wouldn’t impact his endorsement revenue.

42. He never gets his jersey dirty.

43. It’s unfair that his kids have to grow up under his militaristic dietary restrictions. Those poor souls will never know the joy of cotton candy for breakfast or a double cheeseburger with waffle fries after midnight.

44. Entourage. Not good.

45. The whole Ben Affleck-Matt Damon mutual appreciation club.

46. He uses the same laminated menu on his wrist to call plays in the sack with Gisele.

47. Never saved anyone from drowning in a pool.

48. Doesn’t know all the words to Rapper’s Delight or Fight The Power.

49. Never took a knee with Kap.

50. Can’t name all the members of the Wu-Tang Clan.

51.The hair in this picture.

52. TB12. I played Division III basketball and my initials and number, RL3, never became a thing.

53. His bank account.

54. Retirement. If he does one of those long, drawn out, Vince Carter-is-he-or-isn’t-he-retiring-every-off-season-for-the-next-five-years I’m already annoyed.

55. Tom Brady. Just saying those two words out loud, in a row, makes me want to vomit.

And that, my friends, is why I am taking my hard-earned money and wagering it on the greatest QB in the universe. Patrick Mahomes.

Chiefs 38

Bucs 28