Raise your hand if you love the fact that Kentucky, Duke and Michigan State won’t make the NCAA tournament this year. What if they’re not even good enough for the National Invitation Tournament (NIT)? You know there’s three old white guys on the board of the College Basketball Invitational (CBI) meeting around the clock to discuss how they can get all three of these blue bloods into their post-season tournament.
“Maybe we can rename the CBI the KDM this year?”
“Doesn’t KDM sound like a disease you get when you come home too late?”
“Ewww. Grow up. This is serious.”
“Sorry. I haven’t left my basement in a year.”
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLUE BLOODS?
Kentucky Wildcats
There’s so many problems here, it’s hard to know where to start. Devin Askew has been horrible at the point. He can’t shoot, he can’t beat anyone off the dribble and he can’t get the offense running smoothly. That’s a problem when you’re the point guard. BJ Boston may be slightly overrated. He’s got nice bounce and a nice stroke but he can’t really dribble. Dribbling is a really important skill in the game of basketball because every time you go somewhere on the floor, you have to dribble. Sarr hasn’t exactly been the second coming of Tim Duncan. Isaiah Jackson has NBA potential but so did Josh Jackson. Mintz has been solid but he can’t win you any games. Dontaie Allen shoots the lights out but he didn’t get on the floor until the season was pretty much over. I would say I feel bad for John Calipari but it’s hard to feel bad for someone who makes $9.27 million this year and has a private jet available for recruiting visits. Maybe Mitch McConnell should take over the team. How cool would it be to see Calipari and McConnell change roles for a few months. McConnell would look so cute in a blue velour Kentucky tracksuit with a whistle around his neck.
“Devin, I don’t care that the other team wants to run. I want to stall. Do you know I changed the entire shape of the free world just by stalling and doing absolutely nothing? People always think they have to do something. If you stall, the other team can’t score and sometimes that’s the way you win the war. And cut that hair. No self-respecting point guard walks around with Marge Simpson hair.”
Duke Blue Devils
On paper, this is a good team. Individually, this is a good team. Practically speaking, this team isn’t very good. They simply don’t look like they know how to win together. Matthew Hurt is a great shooter, a poor man’s Jake Layman, but he can’t guard his shadow. Jalen Johnson is a ridiculous athlete but he doesn’t really have a great feel for the game. Feel is important. It’s what separates Grant Hill – along with a smooth handle, a silky jumper, defensive toughness, the ability to get your teammates involved and a general floor awareness – from Jalen Johnson. Otherwise, they’re pretty much the same player. And then there’s DJ Steward, who can score on anyone. I may be biased because he’s from Chicago and went to the same high school as Quentin Richardson but he’s by far the best scorer on this Duke team off the dribble. The problem is he defers and vanishes far too often because he doesn’t want to take too many shots even if shooting more could positively impact their chances of winning. It’s hard to feel bad for Duke because they’ve been in the tournament 43 times, been to 16 Final Fours and won five titles. Maybe I just feel bad for John Scheyer because he cut his $62,500 Israeli League career short to assistant coach this team. Speaking of Scheyer, where do you think it’s easier to score hot girls, playing twelve minutes per game for Maccabi Electra Tel Aviv or being an assistant coach at Duke?
Michigan State Spartans
Tom Izzo is amazing and he doesn’t want your pity. He loves his players. He loves his Lupe. He loves his green neck ties. The other day Sparty was playing at Ohio State and I thought I was hallucinating because MSU was crazy getting 7.5 points. What world are we living in where a Michigan State team is getting almost 8 points on the road in a Big 10 matchup? I took Michigan State because for the last 20 years the gambling rule has always been “the closer we get to March, the more you bet on Tom Izzo and Michigan State.” They lost by 17 at Ohio State. 17! Today they are getting 10 at Iowa. Iowa, the team with all the skinny white guys who grew up farming soy beans and cattle. Did you ever think you’d see the day when Michigan State would be a 10 point underdog at Iowa? This isn’t your Roy Marble, BJ Armstrong, Ray Thompson and Ed Horton’s Iowa. This is the Jordan Bohannon, Connor McCaffrey, Joe Wieskamp and Luka Garza Iowa. Speaking of which, I know this is the second time in this post I’ve mentioned Mitch McConnell but are we sure he and Fran McCaffrey aren’t the same person?
From last year’s cancelled tournament to this year’s back-to-back matchups and frequently cancelled games, it’s been an odd 12 months for college basketball. Yes, Gonzaga, Baylor, Villanova and Houston are more than good enough to make this year’s NCAA Tournament entertaining but it’s gonna be weird heading into March knowing these three programs won’t be invited to the dance.
