NBA Teams You Can Trust If Your Wife Leaves You

As a gambler, when I think about which NBA teams I can trust I like to think about it in terms of who I would bet on if my wife was kicking me out of the house for good. In this scenario, I walk out of the house with some clothes wrapped around a wooden stick. Remember when Opie Taylor was running away? In the old days, kids that ran away would wrap some clothes around a wooden stick to take with them on the road. I guess they didn’t have a suitcase or a weather resistant REI backpack with 14 pockets and two water bottle holders to ease into the transition. Just a stick with some underwear on it. I always felt so bad for those kids. Wouldn’t everyone in town immediately know you were running away when they saw that stick? And wouldn’t they immediately call your parents and tell them?

“Hi, I think I just saw your walking with some clothes wrapped around a stick. I think he’s running away.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” my dad would say. “I’ll bet he’ll be home for dinner. We’re having tuna melts. He loves tuna melts.”

And what about the local bullies and gang members? Not only would they take your clothes, but they’d beat you with your own stick afterwards. How embarrassing.

I have put some thought into the clothes I would wrap around my stick because, depending on how thick the stick is, you can only take a few items. I would take two pairs of underwear, 1 pair of shorts, two pairs of socks, my old school Adidas T-shirt and a button down shirt so I can look good in case my wife wants to take me back. And a toothbrush. I guess you have to store your toothbrush inside the mound of clothes, which is gross because then all your saliva and germs from the toothbrush get on your clothes or, if it’s not a wash day, some stuff from your underwear could get all over your bristles but this may be too much detail to consider right now.

For the purpose of this story, me and my stick of clothes would walk to the nearest bar where I would sit down (post COVID) with roughly $12.50 in my wallet, a beer and a bowl of free popcorn in front of me and one chance to make enough money to support myself for the next decade. Yep, this is the way I like to think about NBA Teams You Can Trust If Your Wife Leaves You.

TEAMS YOU CAN TRUST

Los Angeles Lakers After A Loss

Lebron and AD have said they don’t like to lose two games in a row. Losing one game here and there is fine. Lose two games in a row and it can become a habit. I’m the same way with pie. Eat one piece every day and it’s fine. Eat two pieces a day and you can get really big in a hurry and have a hard time remembering what life was like without pie. Last week was a rare gambling opportunity. The Lakers were coming off a loss to the Warriors and were facing the Bucks. The Bucks were favored by two points. I knew the Lakers hated to lose two games in a row and I knew I should have taken the Lakers. And of course I took the Bucks because I somehow convinced myself that Giannis would do whatever it took to win a meaningless regular season game because Lord knows he’s not wining big playoff games anytime soon. Of course the Lakers won and of course I hate myself for it which is fine as long as I have this stick with two pairs of clean underwear.

Utah Jazz

No one talks about the Jazz but there’s one thing you can say about Quin Snyder, other than he uses way too much hair gel and always has that weird look in his eyes like a meth addict that can’t remember where he left his stash, it’s that the Jazz play hard every night. They’re 12-4 right now and seem to have settled into a nice groove. Mitchell is a star. Gobert is working hard because he’s still embarrassed about microphonegate. Bojan is Bojan and Mike Conley is playing well again. The bench is solid with Clarkson, Ingles and Favors. They can certainly be beat on any night but the Jazz, more than any team in the league, play hard on the defensive end which means they rarely get blown out.

Note: The Jazz are -125 to win their division. I guess you can make the claim that Denver at +175 is a good bet because if Porter Jr. ever comes back they have the most talented roster. But the Nuggets don’t seem like the same team from the bubble. They seem tired. Utah looks hungry. 

Other Los Angeles Team

The reason you trust the Clippers right now is Paul George is playing with a chip on his shoulder. That’s much better than playing with whatever was bothering his shoulders in the bubble. So far this year he’s averaging nearly 24ppg on 50% shooting from the field and 48% from 3 which is currently 10th in the league. Throw in an inspired Kawhi, a not-quite-done-yet Serge Ibaka, the ghost of Nichols Batum, Pat Bev and a coach who desperately wants to be remembered for something other than the guy AI stepped over after hitting that three in the finals in Ty Lue and you’ve got a team you can kinda, sorta trust to beat most teams they should beat in the regular season.

Philly

Pick the statement that most accurately reflects the coaching career of Doc Rivers:

A) Doc Rivers is a great coach.

B) Doc Rivers is a terrible coach.

C) Doc Rivers is a good regular season coach who can’t win big playoff series.

Philly is 12-5 because Doc has been able to keep Embiid focused and get Tobias Harris, who makes $31.03 million this year, to earn at least $10.5 of it. It’s hard to say you can trust this team to wager on but they’ve been consistently good through 17 games although as I write this they are losing by 10 to Detroit so forget everything I just said.

TEAMS YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TRUST BUT CAN’T JUST YET

Milwaukee Bucks

You can trust them to beat the teams they’re supposed to beat but you can’t really trust em to beat anyone else. The Lakers made them look so incredibly mortal last week. They still don’t know how to use Giannis properly and Jrue Holiday’s defensive prowess is negated when he has to guard Lebron (or Kawhi or Luca) who make him look tiny out there. People argue that Giannis is the best player in the league but shouldn’t the best player in the league have led his team to the Finals by now?

Boston Celtics

I think we can trust the C’s after Jason Tatum comes back but this is now a two man team. If either Tatum or Jaylen Brown goes down with an injury, they become decidedly average.

Brooklyn Nets

A lot of chemistry and ‘do we really have to play defense’ issues to be worked out before you can bet on the Nets to cover a spread in an NBA regular season game. They can outscore anyone on most nights but they can also allow bad teams to keep it close because they’re decidedly uninterested.

Denver Nuggets

They’re off to a rocky start but part of that may be attributable to fatigue from the bubble. Two overtime wins over the Suns could mean they’re turning the corner. It’s all about Micheal Porter Jr. Can he develop quickly enough? If he can, they become a team that can win every night and make another playoff push. If he sits out more games and doesn’t solidify his role as the third option, the ceiling is limited.

Dallas Mavericks

It’s been such a rough start for a team that was supposed to make a leap. First Porzingis is out. Then half their team is on the COVID list. Luca doesn’t know who he’s playing with most nights and his performance has been a little uneven.

Portland Trail Blazers 

I live in Portland and I want to trust the Blazers but even before CJ and Nurk went down the defensive problems were so glaring. Recent 20 point losses to the Pacers and Spurs leave you shaking your head. Covington and Jones Jr. were supposed to shore up the defense but it looks like it’s a work in progress. And now that progress will be put on hold while two starters are out for 6-8 weeks.

SUNS

The starting five is legit, and I love the growth of Mikal Bridges, but Booker has been subpar and the bench doesn’t offer much help. If the Suns want to become a reliable team we can bet on during the regular season, and make any noise in the playoffs, they need to trade for a legitimate scorer and another rim protector to solidify the bench. It’s hard to win a playoff series with Jalen Smith, Frank Kaminsky, and Jevan Carter leading the charge. And to think, they could’ve had Tyrese Haliburton coming off the bench this year on a rookie deal.