Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about which athletes I’d be willing to give up my vaccine for. We all agree that doctors, nurses, Mike Breen, and the elderly deserve the first available doses. But after that, the question of who comes next becomes a little murky. The NBA’s Adam Silver has already said no teams can jump the line and get the vaccine before the general public. But what about those among us who are willing to donate our doses to a favorite athlete or team because we’re willing to admit their lives are more important than ours? I know, I know, no one’s life is more important than anyone else’s except that some athletes give millions of people joy and some non-athletes sit on their couch all day and eat Cheeze-Its. As a 50 year-old man with less than attractive feet, I’m willing to donate my vaccine to the following athletes if they agree to compete at the highest level and not go to strip clubs without wearing a mask.
Damian Lillard
He goes on Instagram Live regularly and bares his soul (or throws on a wig and gets silly) for his fans. He marches in the streets, arm-in-arm with his fellow Portlanders, to fight for racial justice. He pulls from deeeeeep. He invited Patrick Beverley to go on vacation with him. He’s never demanded a trade because he’s loyal to the franchise that drafted him. He’s as real as real gets. Dame, if you’re listening, you can have my vaccine. I’ll take mine later, after you lead the Blazers to the NBA Finals.
Aaron Donald
I just don’t want to do anything to upset Aaron Donald. I imagine myself as the little kid in the classic Coke commercial with Mean Joe Green.
“Mr. Donald. Want my vaccine?”
“No.”
“Really, you can have it.”
“OK. Thanks.”
Cut to me administering the shot to Mr. Donald’s bicep. Mr. Donald then throws the syringe back to me.
“Hey middle-aged man, catch.”
“Wow. Thanks Aaron Donald!”
Javier Baez
Baseball is slow and boring. But Javy Baez makes it better. His no look tags are every bit as entertaining as a Showtime Magic Johnson no look pass in the 80’s. OK, maybe not that good. But I would want Javy to have my vaccine because he plays the game with such unbridled joy. If Javy Baez gets sick, we all get sick. And no one wants that.
Jalen Suggs
At this point in my life, I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do for Jalen Suggs. Need a kidney? A new car? I don’t know him personally, but if Jalen Suggs needs someone to write his terms papers on climate change or the history of Gonzaga point guards, I’m here for you Jalen. And if I could, I would willingly give you my coronavirus vaccine in exchange for an NCAA title in March.
Steve Kerr and Steve Nash
I love everything about the two Steves. I love that Steve Kerr has a dry sense of humor and is outspoken on voting rights and racial justice. I love that Steve Nash went from Santa Clara to league MVP and once took money out of his own pocket to make sure Quentin Richardson would sign with the Suns because he felt Q would improve their chances of winning. They say integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking and I have no doubt Steve Kerr and Steve Nash would do the same for someone less fortunate so I’d willingly give either Steve my dose.
The Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball Team
Every year the Badgers are good but not NCAA title good. This year was going to be the exception. They have Reuvers and Potter, two really tall white dudes that can shoot it. They have a 10th-year senior in Davison and Trice is having a breakout season. Sure they just got upset at home by Maryland but they can still make a title run, especially if I give my vaccine to whoever Greg Gard wants to get it first.
Tyreek Hill
He’s just so damn fast. I don’t think the virus could catch him but of all the people I would hate to see slowed down by COVID, it would have to be the fastest man in the NFL. They say hitting a curve ball is the hardest thing to do in sports but I say it’s trying to cover Hill in the flat. Tyreek gets my vaccine simply because I don’t want anything to slow him down.
Chris Paul
I’m not a huge Chris Paul fan or anything but I greatly respect the fact that he willed himself into a Hall of Fame career. He’s only 5’11. He can’t jump. He’s quick but not AI quick. And yet somehow he’s still a force in the league. He deserves to make it to the NBA Finals once in his career before it’s all said and done. I’m not at all convinced Devin Booker can raise his level of play to the point that makes Phoenix a real contender in the West. But I’d give Paul my vaccine… actually, no, I take it back. I don’t think I want to give Chris Paul my vaccine. Sorry. Change of heart.
Mitch Trubisky
I would give Trubisky my vaccine because it doesn’t seem like anyone ever does anything nice for Mitch Trubisky. Someone should. So I will. Mitch, if you’re listening, I hope the Bears don’t sign you to a new contract but as a consolation, you can have my Pfizer or Moderna doses.
4 responses to “Ten Athletes I’d Let Go In Front Of Me For The Vaccine”
Now you need to change your settings so everyone including me can see more than “2 comments” at the bottom. You need drama in your comments section. How else do trolls do their work?
Yes, it has to be true. J rich was traded two days later. TWO DAYS. It is still listed as a “rumor” but come on. Baby was not white.. steve and his wife at the time were white. Put two and two together? I had David Robinson on my wall and MJ, Scottie and Joe wolf because i got that free poster at a Blazers game. Enter howling sound here….
Was the baby a boy or a girl? So this love child that’s out there somewhere in the world would have crazy hops and insane court vision! I’m sure Tom Izzo has been recruiting him/her for the past 15 years. You’re the only commenter so far. You and I can just comment back and forth here. It can be like our own personal chat room!
Considering Steve Nash had to divorce his first wife a day after the birth of their baby I would say he deserves it too. The baby wasn’t white and Jason Richardson was immediately traded….
Is that true? And do you still have a poster of Jason Richardson in your bedroom?