Tesla stock. Personal space. And poker! There haven’t been many bright spots in 2020 but one particular Texas Hold Em game has offered a little gambling light in a sea of Lakers championship darkness. When the pandemic first hit and March Madness was cancelled, I entered a deep state of depression commensurate with someone who still remembers every dunk from the greatest tournament game of all-time, the 1983 Louisville vs. Houston Final Four matchup featuring Hakeem, Clyde the Glide and Benny Anders vs. Milt Wagner, Lancaster Gordon and the McCray brothers (Scooter & Rodney). How would I get through March without the tournament? Luckily, one of my oldest high school friends suggested we start a weekly poker game to help pass the time. Since March, we’ve played every Saturday night without missing a week. That’s 40 games, roughly 7,200 hands, nearly $10,000 dollars exchanged and, more importantly, a way for a bunch of old friends to reconnect and make fun of each other on a more consistent basis. Each week we jump on Zoom, fire up the Pokerrrr app and play a $25 buy-in game with one re-buy allowed after the first 90 minutes. It may seem like small potatoes but pride knows no dollar value.
Like all high school groups, ours is filled with archetypal figures. Big Steve is the funniest, especially after a few drinks. Mike is the most politically active and culturally astute. Dave is the self-proclaimed “best player” among us, even if his record does not bare this out. Lorin is the ‘nicest guy’ and is known for walking away from his computer after the first twenty minutes of every game, leaving the rest of us to stare at an empty chair or the neon light on his ceiling which feels like a drug deal about to go bad. Jerry (aka Jerr Bear) joins late every week after watching a minimum of 26 MMA fights. G-Money is the ring leader, the one who controls the game and, coincidentally, the one with the most tournament victories. His brother Alex, who considers himself somewhere between Phil Ivey and Stu Unger on the greatest poker players of all-time list, occasionally blesses us with his presence and is infamous for going to the bathroom for long stretches during key moments of play. Fast Eddie usually lies on his couch in the dark and (possibly related) never wins. That’s the core group. There are also stand-ins and guests. Dave’s dad, Mr. B, joins when one of his grandkids supplies an extra smartphone or iPad. There was a guy named Colorado Mike who played for two months (don’t ask), a bald guy named Josh, an intellectual named Adam and an old friend named Louie who fell asleep before the game started but sent his $25 anyway because “Fuck man, I fucking fell asleep.”
As weeks turned into months and months turned into the longest year of our lives, the game has evolved along with our attitudes. On Monday, no one is thinking about poker because that would mean you have nothing else going on in your life more important than poker, which would be sad so of course no one thinks about the game on Monday. Similarly, on Tuesday you’re not thinking about the game because who knows, maybe there’s some new vaccine news or another stimulus bill will pass. On Wednesday, you’re definitely not thinking about the game because it’s only Wednesday and lots of important stuff happens on Wednesday. Thursday rolls around and the thought that there’s only two more days until Saturday never crosses your mind. Friday is the end of the week which means pizza night and The Mandalorian, if you’re into that sorta thing. And then, before you know it, looky here, Saturday just kinda snuck up on you and you’re playing Hold Em again.
This week, my birthday fell on a Saturday and, to be honest, there was never a doubt about whether I would play. We had an early, socially distant dinner in our friend’s backyard and then jumped in the car to try and make it home before the game started.
Note: It feels like you have to say you did everything ‘socially distanced’ unless you’re friends with Mike Pence.
Proper Usage:
We went for a socially distanced run.
We went to Target but we socially distanced in the produce section.
We had socially distanced oral sex because we both have really long tongues.
We got a late start back so my wife agreed to play my hands while I drove home. Nothing challenges a marriage quite like playing Texas Hold Em, in a rental car, driving 80 mph in the pitch black of the California desert.
“Do you know how to play poker?” I asked.
“Yes, I know how to play poker,” my wife said, annoyed by the condescending nature of my question.
“OK, tell me what beats what?”
“You know I don’t like to be quizzed.”
“Well, how am I supposed to know if you know how to play if you won’t tell me?”
“I know how to play.”
“OK, what’s higher, a flush or a full house?”
“A flush.”
“Babe.”
“OK, it’s been awhile.”
Poker is great because, like it or not, it reveals a great deal of information about who you are. Some players only play a hand when their statistical chance of winning is near certain. Some players like to bluff. Some players have no strategy and just go with wherever the wind, or the weed, takes em.
“OK, we have six-three unsuited,” I said. We should fold this hand.
“I think we should play it,” my wife said. “Take a risk. You only live once.”
We lost the hand.
Fifteen minutes later.
“I think we should play more conservatively,” my wife said. “We’re losing a lot of hands. Maybe only go in when you know you’re gonna win the hand.”
“Good thinking,” I said, struggling to see the cards and keep the car on the road.
I didn’t win last night. But I feel lucky as hell that I’ve got a group of guys in my life that have each others backs, come hell or high fever (it’s one of the symptoms of COVID-19). Of course because I’m a neurotic Jew, I’ve already started to worry about what will happen once the pandemic ends. Will the game end once social lives return to normal and people have something better to do on Saturday nights? Will I be man enough to tell my friends that I’d like to keep the game going because I like this part of pandemic life more than the previous version? Or will I just show up on Zoom by myself and type notes on the poker app’s chat feature to an empty faux felt table? How sad will that be? Whatever happens, I played Hold Em on the highway with my wife and my best friends on my 50th birthday. It was a good night.
