Winner: Me
I’ve been thinking about starting this website, in some form or fashion, for the past 25 years. Consider that during that same period Bill Simmons started a website, got hired by ESPN, started Grantland, came up with the idea for 30 for 30, hosted an NBA show, got fired by ESPN, started The Ringer, realized no one reads anything anymore and made podcasts The Ringer’s calling card and then sold the company to Spotify for a bizallion dollars. During that same time, I was fired by six ad agencies, lost most of my hair, put on 20 lbs. of muscle fat (note: muscle fat is a kind of fat that’s really just fat but I came up with a new name for it to make myself feel better because muscle fat just sounds cool), had a kid, lost thousands of dollars betting on stupid shit, gave in to my wife’s desire to get a small dog and came to terms with the fact that I’m now capable of loving a small dog, got my driver’s license suspended for getting 5 speeding tickets in 4 months going too fast down the same hill where a cop was always camped out because I may have early onset Alzheimer’s and could not seem to remember there’s always a cop parked at the bottom of this same god damn hill on five separate occasions, got a bus pass in my late 40’s because I thought it would be good for the environment then realized I was a guy in his late 40’s riding the bus and a bunch of other incredibly sad things. But hey, I finally did it, so ummm, better late than never.
Loser: Me
I’m scared. That’s why I never started this site in the first place. What if no one reads it? What if it sucks? What if I spend all this time writing and David Sedaris, Michael Lewis and Malcolm Gladwell never comment in the comments section? What if Donald Trump starts a media empire and takes away from my readership? What if I spend all this time on it, ignoring my daughter’s social and academic development, and she goes through her entire life without memorizing her times tables and people see her on the streets and point and whisper, ‘That’s that kid who doesn’t know her times tables because her dad was too busy writing this stupid website to go over them with her.’ That would make me a huge loser.
Winner: Gamblers
There are all these sites out there ready to ‘Give You The Edge’ and help you ‘Pick Winners’ or ‘Give You An Extra Five Inches’ (those are other sites). But where are all the sites for losers? Where are all the sites that admit they can’t win? Well, here’s one! As my uncle used to say every time we got off the plane in Vegas, ‘You know Richard, they don’t build these casinos because we’re all so good at gambling.’ Instead of buying a subscription to The Action Network or relying on Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight to give you game odds, all you have to do to make money is bet opposite me for the next 50 years. It’s that simple. And it’s free. And you know the best part? I’ll never send you a promo code or an email with a bright red headline that says, ‘Last Chance.’ I’ll never have a 1-800 number you can call for customer service. I’ll never give you a $250 sign-up bonus when I know that $250 will lead to a life of misery where you lose your job, your wife, the kids, the car and the dog. Nope. I’ll never do any of that which makes you a big winner.
Winner: Buy and Hold Investing
I’m a huge believer in buy and hold investing. Buy and hold doesn’t work well with bread or meat or 70’s sitcoms other than Welcome Back Kotter but it works great with stocks. If we buy stocks together and hold em for the next 15-20 years, I think you’ll be very happy with the returns. Whether you use The Motley Fool or your cousin Larry to get stock recommendations, buy and hold. It’s that simple.
Loser: The Dallas Cowboys
Not related to this site per se but doesn’t it warm your heart to see Jerry Jones lose? Few things bring me more joy in life than when Fox cuts up to the owner’s suite and you see Jerry Jones’ pale emaciated face grimacing in embarrassment as his team gives up another touchdown. God Bless America.
Loser: Chicago State and DePaul Basketball
I’m from Chicago. I love everything about basketball in the Chicagoland area. And that is why I am sad to report that Chicago State is a combined 0-30 in conference play in the last two seasons. And DePaul’s not much better. If there’s one thing Joe Biden should do as soon as he gets into office, it’s get Congress to pass a bill that helps Chicago State and DePaul win some games in their respective conferences.
Winner: Barney Greengrass
If you’ve never tried it, this small Jewish deli on the upper west side in NY makes the world’s best lox and bagel sandwich on the planet. And they deliver! Granted, it cost more to get a pound of nova and a dozen bagels than it does to fly to Hawaii, but once or twice a year, for a special treat, it’s so worth it!
