A few weeks ago, I was playing Texas Hold ‘Em with a group of old high school friends. We’ve been playing every Saturday night since the pandemic started and by my count, it’s one of the only good things to happen in 2020. About an hour into the game, I went all-in with three-of-a-kind and got beat by a straight someone caught on the river. And yes, that’s the most astute poker sentence I’m capable of writing. I’m the furthest thing from a poker savant you can imagine. I can’t calculate odds in my head. I don’t read the room, especially on Zoom. I couldn’t spot a tell if it formally introduced itself. And although I thought about it for a minute, I quickly realized I could never count cards for a living because I’m easily distracted and would constantly lose track of the count.
What’s the count?
How can you not know the count? You’re supposed to be counting.
I know but the waitress walked by and she’s wearing one of those tight Roman outfits. I know the Romans enslaved the Jews, but I was thinking about getting back at them and then I lost the count.
So, there I sat on a Saturday night, the poker game a long way from over, with nothing to do. Woe is Covid-19 me.
“So,” I said, looking to talk about anything that would keep me awake. “My toothbrush just died. I need a new one. Does anyone have a toothbrush they really like?”
It’s such a stupid question. Who talks about toothbrushes? Have you ever heard a guy say to another guy, ‘Dude, I got this great new toothbrush. The bristles are so supple. It’s like a spa for your mouth.’
“I use a Waterpik. It’s amazing,” G said.
“What’s a Waterpik?” I asked.
“It’s a toothbrush and floss all-in-one.”
“Wait, what?”
“It’s a toothbrush that shoots water out, so it flosses your teeth at the same time you’re brushing.”
I remember where I was the day Walter Payton became the all-time leading rusher in the NFL. I remember where I was the day MJ won his first title. I remember where I was the time Ryne Sandberg hit not one but two homers off Bruce Sutter to win a game in extras against the St. Louis Cardinals. I remember that because I was at Wrigley and it’s considered one of the greatest Cubs games of all-time. And now I remember where I was when I learned there’s such a thing as a toothbrush that brushes and flosses at the same time.
I’m nearing 50 and I’ve never had a cavity in my life. Not one. I don’t know why. I eat poorly and I don’t have especially great teeth. You know how you see some people and you’re like, ‘Oh, she has great teeth.’ Linda Carter had great teeth. (Linda Carter had great everything.) I don’t have Linda Carter teeth but because I’ve never had a cavity, I always thought I was too elite to floss. It’s like stretching before a game. In the 80’s, great athletes didn’t need to stretch before they played because they were great athletes. There’s something mythical about Michael Jordan jumping out his car as a rookie and dropping 50 at a Chicago summer league game at IIT before heading for the door. When it comes to teeth, I am that type of athlete.
However, a few years ago, I started to floss occasionally and every time I did, my gums would bleed. As I rinsed my mouth and watched the blood pour into the drain, I’d pretend I was a fighter facing a young Mike Tyson.
I’m not going down. No way. Not tonight.
You’re bleeding from the mouth.
I ain’t goin’ down. How is my daughter gonna respect me if I let Mike Tyson punk me?
We can’t stop the bleeding.
Don’t stop the fight Mick. Don’t stop no fight.
For me, the thing that stopped the fight was my wife. One day she looked at me with sad eyes, like she was caring for a squirrel that had just been hit by a car, and said, “Honey, your breath smells.” I couldn’t believe it. She might as well have said, ‘Your pasta is mushy.’ It’s devastating to hear those words from the person you share a converted Roth IRA with. And here’s the thing about your own breath. It’s impossible to know how bad it smells. You can’t kiss yourself or breathe on yourself. I will admit I’ve taken my finger and rubbed it against my gums to get the occasional piece of brisket out from between my teeth and then smelled my finger. I know that’s not accepted in some social circles but how else can you tell if your own breath smells bad?
To save my marriage, I spent $134.99 on the Waterpik Sonic-Fusion Professional Flossing Toothbrush, Electric Toothbrush & Water Flosser Combo in One. It’s been amazing. My gums have stopped bleeding. My breath has stopped stanking. And as soon as I can go somewhere and talk to someone again, I’m sure it will all feel worth it.
