Dear Money,
On the surface, it may seem like we don’t have a lot in common. You fought your way to the top to become the pound-for-pound greatest boxer of all-time. I wore Rec-Specs and played Division III basketball in empty gyms across the Midwest. You own fancy cars and private planes. I drive a 2010 Prius with a slow oil leak that the local dealership wants to charge $2,800 to fix even though the total value of the car is only $6,500. You have women from all over the world throw their panties at your feet. I pick up my wife’s panties, wash them, fold them and put them neatly back in her underwear drawer.
But we do have one thing in common. Gambling! Again, there are slight variations in style. You bet more money on some events than the average American earns in a lifetime. According to CNBC, the median household income in the United States is $56,516 so if you earn that for 20 years you’d have $1,130,320 or approximately one big bet for Floyd Mayweather.
I tend to make smaller bets that some would ascribe to people who have no testicles. Sometimes, I like to hedge my small, testicle-less bets because I hate to lose, the absolute worst thing a gambler can do. I’m guessing Money don’t hedge.
A few weeks ago, you posted one of your winning tickets on Twitter which, I’m assuming, inspired others to gamble. I can hear those voices in my head.
“If Money can do that shit, I can do that shit.”
“Look how short he is. What does he know that I don’t know?”
“I’m tired of people with money making all this money. I want some God-damn money.”
Here’s the thing about gambling. Everybody loses. EV-ERR-EEE-BODY! Even Floyd Mayweather. The question is how much do you lose and how often? If you really want to be a role model for gamblers across the globe, you’ve got to show your winners and your losers. It’s like if you have a bunch of kids. You can’t just take your attractive kids to the big Hollywood screenings, you’ve got to take the ugly ones too. The ugly kids are your kids too. You can’t just leave them at home and hope no one knows you have ugly kids. You’ve got to get them out into the world and hope the American people recognize their inner beauty. The same can be said for our losing bets.
So, here’s what I propose. I started The Bad Gambler to track all my bets from the day I turn 50 until the day I die. You should start one too to keep track of all your wagers. In 40 years, we’ll check back and see who has the higher winning percentage. The winner will get the other person’s money. All of it. The loser will have to become a High School gym teacher.
This is fun, right? It’s like The Giving Pledge only it doesn’t really make the world a better place or help anyone in need.
You in Money?
